From our newsletter Outside the Lines

What’s most essential about who you are?

Rumour has it that over a cycle of seven years, our body completely replaces itself.

Even if that’s not true - and there’s some debate about it - it’s an interesting place to start in asking the question: just what *is* essential about who I am?

(Of if you’d like a more visual starting point, look at these photos with some great “before and after” shots.)

So how do you stay connected with what’s true and essential and core about who you are, while at the same time growing and adapting and changing with your environment?

Two ways to work out what’s important to you

1. Define your values (but not the usual way).

I know, I know - the “what are your values” gets trotted out by every coach and self-help newsletter across the planet.

I agree with the sentiment. And also get frustrated by the way “values” often show up - i.e. as abstract, “apple pie” words that are difficult to translate into the “so what?” (This frustration comes in part from spending time as a consultant helping organizations define their values - and seeing what an empty exercise that often is.)

So how do you make your values real and useful?

Connect back to a “peak moment” - a time when you felt you were really at your very best, a full expression of who you are. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a moment of public triumph (although it can be of course). It just needs to be one of those “that was fantastic & I was fantastic & I’m ALIVE!” moments.

For instance, a couple of my values which stem directly from Peak Moment experiences are:

“Naked on Stage” (when, as a 24 year old, I did a comedy sketch entitled “Synchronized Nude Male Modelling.” Let’s just say I’m glad YouTube didn’t exist then.)

“Teaching on the Edge” (when, as a 17 year old, I spent two terms teaching children who were deaf and/or had significant learning disabilities.)

My theory is that collecting values which have their roots in real experiences does a few things:

First, you get a “body memory” of the moment - and your brain and body conspire to get you to remember and recreate those peak moments.

Second, they work as a metaphor and have a complex combination of meetings. As an example, my “naked on stage” combines such core elements of who I am as: showing off; being provocative; taking risks; entertaining.

2. This/Not This

Before I speak or run a workshop - or when I’m just feeling a little discombobulated - I refer to my “this/not this” list. It’s a series of pairs of words that help me remember who I am at my best - and who I’m not - when I’m striving for Great Work. Somehow the act of putting down the opposite makes the choice more apparent.

Here are a few of my pairings…

- Provocative not Sycophantic
- Loose not Tight
- Curious not Knowing

You can see the rest (and add some of your own) here.

I’ve honed my list over the years, and continue to tweak it. Pay attention to when you’re shining and when you’re not - and start making notes!

Don’t take my word for it

Smart folks thinking out loud about values and identity.

“Identity would seem to be the garment with which one covers the nakedness of the self, in which case, it is best that the garment be loose, a little like the robes of the desert, through which one’s nakedness can always be felt, and, sometimes, discerned.”
-James Baldwin, American author

“Focusing on your values may provide you with meaning, but it won’t simplify things. You’ll just discover even more stuff that’s important to you.”
-David Allen, American business consultant

“‘Who am I?’ is not really a question because it has no answer to it; it is unanswerable. It is a device, not a question.”
Osho, Indian guru

“The best mirror is an old friend.”
-George Herbert, British poet

“To be idle requires a strong sense of personal identity.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish author

“When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.”
-Roy E. Disney, American businessman

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.”
-Epictetus, Greek philosopher

“Tell me whom you love and I’ll tell you who you are.”
-Arsène Houssaye, French poet

“The real meditation is, the meditation on one’s identity. Ah, voilà une chose! You try it. You try finding out why you’re you and not somebody else. And who in the blazes are you anyhow? Ah, voilà une chose!
- Ezra Pound, American poet

“I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.”
-Popeye the sailor ma (cartoon hero)